As a disclaimer, this entire blogpost shouldn't actually be viewed as a legitimate review of the movie as it is mostly my thoughts and opinions as I watched the movie with a biased eye haha. I do have some legitimate insight and input on the production, casting and writing at the very end, so I guess this review isn't a total waste, but it shouldn't be taken too seriously either.
This review contains spoilers. Beware.
The movie started well enough, the writers putting a welcome twist to the timeless fairy tale and we're actually given a bit of background on the king, his wife and Snow White before the beautiful disaster that was Charlize Theron's character, Ravenna. Ahaha, I laugh at the fact that her name denotes darkness whereas Snow White's denotes, well, whiteness. Good job writers. Basically the good queen gives birth to pretty baby, pretty baby and queen are loved by all, pretty queen dies, king is depressed and goes all war-hungry up on yo ass, king finds Ravenna, falls in loved and is figuratively and literally screwed (almost!).
May I just say that although Snow White is supposed to have hair as black as a raven, the child they cast as the younger princess has hair no where near as black as it's supposed to be? Also, she isn't as cute as I'd hope, and her acting is mediocre at best, but there is something to be said about a child who can overshadow the lead actress and make more of an intriguing character of the protagonist than the lead actress can.
The first thing I thought when I saw the blood dripping on the snow was Twilight. Seriously, Twilight. I know it's not a reasonable comparison, but the combination of knowing that Kristen Stewart was in the film, knowing her background in the horrid teen vampire story and the symbolism of the blood all left a lingering feeling of bias in the film. It didn't help that Kristen Stewart's British accent sucked and the continued use of the poisoned apple reminded me of the book cover. Yeah yeah, I know Snow White used the apple before Twilight did, but can you blame me? It's just so hard to get that awful movie out of my system.
'Maybe if I mumble, I'll sound more British.'
Bias aside, when the story actually gets good and Ravenna shoves a knife up the sad king's stomach, I start to appreciate Theron much more. I think she may have redeemed the film and more than compensated for Kristen. You've got to wonder though how it felt for her to shoot that scene with the milk (was it milk? Let's hope it's milk, I certainly hope it isn't jizz. Please god don't let it be jizz. Come to think of it, it's much too thick for it to be milk. Oh God no.) I can't help but think that she has a little bit of a brother complex. Who the heck takes a bath with her brother watching on as if it were Friday night television. Not a normal person, that's for sure.
So now we have a psychotic, vain, insecure sorceress with a brother complex and a 'beautiful' princes trapped in the dungeons. Shout out for Lily Cole who plays the pretty girl who outshines Kristen in the dungeons. She's one of my favorite models who's known for her work as that awesome chick from St. Trinians and the new global ambassador of Body Shop. Must be fun having your youth sucked out like that.
'Are you not entertained!?'
Either way the story significantly picked up when Kristen busted a cap in Ravenna's brother's ass and escapes through sewers filled with what I can only guess is human feces, only to conveniently find a white mare/stallion I'm not a veterinarian I wouldn't know waiting for her when she finally gets out.
'Oh Hai there. Can you say Deus ex Machina?'
And then there's the entire Dark Forest scene where Snow White gets real high on what I can only say must be some pretty legit shrooms. Glad to say that this movie did better with the trippy hallucinations than The Hunger Games did with their trackerjackers. Some of the hooded figures remind me Dementors and those Black Riders from LOTR.
And then the movie finally brings Chris Hemsworth in and I cannot be any more happy with his Irish accent It was Irish right? Please correct me if I'm wrong, I'm horrid with telling apart European accents and for all I know he could have butchered the accent and I'm just such a huge Chris fangirl to notice. Putting the flails away, I couldn't help but laugh as The Huntsman (can you believe they didn't give the guy a name? Sheesh.) swung his ax around in such a well-choreographed frenzy and I found myself half joking as I watched.
"Thor, you're cheating on me with an AX!?!?"
During the entire fight, you're left wondering 'why the hell won't that pervy brother DIE!?' The answer's simple really. He's albino. Have you even seen The Da Vinci Code? Those albinos effing hard to kill. (no offense to legitimate albinos out there. Peace.)
It's a good change in atmosphere once Ravenna's pervy brother is thwarted and The Huntsman and Snow White join forces quite reluctantly. Meanwhile, William (why is that such a cliche hero name to me?), Snow White's childhood friend and presumably first love is still in search of her, feigning his loyalty to the queen. Smooth moves brotha, too bad The Huntsman is two steps ahead of you.
And then the dwarves come in - god bless the writers for ushering them in so wonderfully - and I found myself literally squealing when I realized one of them was Nick Frost. He was such a beautiful source of comedic relief that I didn't bother listening to the pertinent conversations while he was on screen. He just has that certain aura to him, you know? I know it's mean but he will always be Simon Pegg's sidekick to me after Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead and Paul.
And then they were in this fanciful fairy forest of some sorts and the furry snakes and mystical animals all reminded me of Pokemon. One of the furry turtles reminded me of a baby version of the continent Pokemon Torterra. I am a geek. Deal with it. And then the dwarves are surrounded by fairies riding bunnies and fairies start coming out of birds and I don't even know. I thought they got past those trippy mushrooms ages ago.
'Bitch be high as f*ck, imagining fairies coming out of birds and white stags and sh*t'
It's also worth noting that when I saw the white stag come out of nowhere, my first thought was "James Potter conjured his Patronus!". Yes, more geekdom right there.
And then all hell breaks lose when the deer gets shot with an arrow - one friggin arrow - and bursts into a flurry of what I remember to be butterflies? I don't know, I don't remember. It's just ridiculous how a huge stag like that goes down after one friggin' arrow. It's not even in the eye! He was hit in the shank for pete's sake. And in one of the most tragic deaths in the movie, my third favorite dwarf (next to Nick Frost and the dwarf that's blind and can tell the future), Gus is shot and killed. Almost tears, baby, almost tears.
And by the time William actually joins Snow's party, the group dynamic is practically set in stone and he is such a third wheel in my eyes that it almost hurts to watch as he's caught between The Huntsman and Snow's sexual tension. It's almost sad when Snow White rebuffs him and puts him in the friendzone where he belongs. Except NO. It isn't William. It's the effing queen in disguise. And she so cleverly gets Snow White to bite into her poisoned apple, but before she can even begin to suck the youth out of her the real William and The Huntsman are on her. But the damage is done and Snow White is 'dead' and not even William's lovely kisses can bring the princess back to life.
"LOKI'd!!!!!!!!"
Except we all know she really isn't dead. Not really, anyway, because one kiss from the much more handsome, angsty, and deserving Huntsman and she's back. And by now it becomes evident that the entire love triangle was unnecessary and you could totally cut out William's scenes and the plot would proceed exactly the way it was. Good job for succumbing to audience pressure for a love triangle, writers!
Meanwhile, the queen is wallowing, weak and ugly and she somehow apparates herself into her mirror chamber as a flock of ravens that suddenly splats on the floor in a pile of dead birds. The entire scene was reminiscent of the dead birds from Condemned: Criminal Origins and it sort of turned my stomach just a bit. In her weak state, the only option the queen has left is to suck the remaining youth out of all the girls she can get her hands on. That's a lot of sucking and a lot of girls, and somehow that sentence did not come out right.
Meanwhile, the queen is wallowing, weak and ugly and she somehow apparates herself into her mirror chamber as a flock of ravens that suddenly splats on the floor in a pile of dead birds. The entire scene was reminiscent of the dead birds from Condemned: Criminal Origins and it sort of turned my stomach just a bit. In her weak state, the only option the queen has left is to suck the remaining youth out of all the girls she can get her hands on. That's a lot of sucking and a lot of girls, and somehow that sentence did not come out right.
Snow White's return to the land of the living, compared to Ravenna's fight for life, was rather underwhelming. I mean, she literally gets up and walks out of the Duke's castle where hundreds of people are going about their business and no one even bats an eyelash. It's like it's the most natural thing in the world. And then there's this whole supposedly-inspiring speech which is by far the highlight of Kristen's role in this movie and the Huntsman just smiles on like he didn't just effing kiss a dead girl in an act of utter necrophilia and then suddenly have her come back to life. If I were him, I'd be selling my magic kisses or at least trying to see if it works on anybody else. Kiss Gus the dwarf! See if he comes back to life! Oh wait, you can't. You charred his little body to bits and pieces. /wrist
"And Chris's kisses bring all the girls to the yard, and Snow says, they're better than yours. Damn right, they're better than yours. Bring you back to life, but he has to charge."
I would like to take some time off this review to say that at this exact moment of the movie in the theater, a little boy, watching this movie with his family started peeing in his empty drink cup just so he wouldn't miss the movie. Go you!
So while Snow was making her speech, everybody suddenly gains the vigor and inspiration they all need to get off their asses and finally make a move. You'd think after years of oppression they'd have come to that conclusion, but no, it takes a girl who's unusually healthy for being secluded in a prison cell all her life to snap some sense into them. Well, I have to admit, when you're in a world where all the pretty and half-decent girls have the life sucked out of the by an insecure maniacal queen, even a dame like Kristen Stewart is bound to cause a frenzy of sudden inspiration.
And so the epic battle ensues and the dwarves are still by far my favorite characters of the movie. Sorry Huntsman, but your hotness can only take me so far.
The end battle between Snow and the Queen, like a lot of the movie was a little lackluster, though you have to give props to Charlize for being such a menacing villain (with an actual backstory!). In the end, it's the little trick that The Huntsman taught Snow at the beginning of the movie that does the queen in. Why am I not surprised.
In the end, everybody lives happily ever after, save of course the poor friendzoned William, the charred remains of Gus the dwarf, the hundreds of men that died in the process, the poor white stag whose significance in the story I still don't quite get, and even The Huntsman - we don't even effing know if he and Snow do end up together, but I guess it's presumed they do. Good job. The end.
But wait! I'm not done yet. While the entire story was predictable, cliche and a little too hyped up for my taste, I really quite enjoyed Ravenna's character. It must have been hard being cursed for her beauty and having to live her life with the burden of thinking that it's her only redeeming factor. The writer's didn't expound on her past love life and why the heck she hates men so much, but it's implied that her own heart was broken, and in the end you're left wondering what the hell happened and actually feeling sorry for the queen. There's an almost Harry Potter-esque feel to the way "one cannot live while the other survives" applies to the queen and Snow's relationship. But you know what? If that hadn't been the case, I legitimately think Snow White would have been the only person Ravenna truly loved. There must have been a reason why she kept the girl alive for so long. There was a certain attachment there, and that's really evident in the starting scenes and in the queen's last few breaths.
We'll never really know. And it's quite sad that the antagonist is a much more compelling character than the protagonist, but lately that's quite common in a lost of the movies coming out.
That was my review, or rather walkthrough of Snow White and the Huntsman. I hope you guys enjoyed, and stay tuned for my next Movie Review, whenever in the future that may be. Have fun!
So while Snow was making her speech, everybody suddenly gains the vigor and inspiration they all need to get off their asses and finally make a move. You'd think after years of oppression they'd have come to that conclusion, but no, it takes a girl who's unusually healthy for being secluded in a prison cell all her life to snap some sense into them. Well, I have to admit, when you're in a world where all the pretty and half-decent girls have the life sucked out of the by an insecure maniacal queen, even a dame like Kristen Stewart is bound to cause a frenzy of sudden inspiration.
"We haven't had a decent lay in ages. We ride for the only pretty woman left!"
And so the epic battle ensues and the dwarves are still by far my favorite characters of the movie. Sorry Huntsman, but your hotness can only take me so far.
The end battle between Snow and the Queen, like a lot of the movie was a little lackluster, though you have to give props to Charlize for being such a menacing villain (with an actual backstory!). In the end, it's the little trick that The Huntsman taught Snow at the beginning of the movie that does the queen in. Why am I not surprised.
In the end, everybody lives happily ever after, save of course the poor friendzoned William, the charred remains of Gus the dwarf, the hundreds of men that died in the process, the poor white stag whose significance in the story I still don't quite get, and even The Huntsman - we don't even effing know if he and Snow do end up together, but I guess it's presumed they do. Good job. The end.
But wait! I'm not done yet. While the entire story was predictable, cliche and a little too hyped up for my taste, I really quite enjoyed Ravenna's character. It must have been hard being cursed for her beauty and having to live her life with the burden of thinking that it's her only redeeming factor. The writer's didn't expound on her past love life and why the heck she hates men so much, but it's implied that her own heart was broken, and in the end you're left wondering what the hell happened and actually feeling sorry for the queen. There's an almost Harry Potter-esque feel to the way "one cannot live while the other survives" applies to the queen and Snow's relationship. But you know what? If that hadn't been the case, I legitimately think Snow White would have been the only person Ravenna truly loved. There must have been a reason why she kept the girl alive for so long. There was a certain attachment there, and that's really evident in the starting scenes and in the queen's last few breaths.
"All I ever needed was a hug."
We'll never really know. And it's quite sad that the antagonist is a much more compelling character than the protagonist, but lately that's quite common in a lost of the movies coming out.
That was my review, or rather walkthrough of Snow White and the Huntsman. I hope you guys enjoyed, and stay tuned for my next Movie Review, whenever in the future that may be. Have fun!
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