Worries

Okay so I have to accomplish the following this vacation (which won't be much of a vacation).

I'm dedicating tomorrow to comsci (which is already a day late)
I'm starting with my Singapore Book Circle presentation next week.
I'm doing my life science portfolio next week as well.
I have to get my flight booking done.
I have to study for a math post quarter and Bio periodic test.

I need help. and Hugs. I hate this vacation :(

Bittersweet

Life is oftentimes bittersweet. My life and this past week are a prime example.

The good news:
I got a new laptop! And I was able to have my old desktop PC fixed.

The bad news:
In order to have my old desktop fixed, I had to have all my old files deleted. Yes, files that had lasted me since my first year of high school.

The good news:
The guy fixing my computer was able to back-up some files

The bad news:
He only backed up useless files that I don't use. He prioritized my downloads folder which has nothing substantial in it. In the process, I lost all my music, all my first-fourth year pictures (yes, goodbye memories) and all my notes, submissions, etc etc. I have to start comsci from scratch now. I feel ripped off.

More bad news:
Since yesterday, I have sustained a moderate fever of 39 degrees, horrible cough and I can't get out of bed.

Good news:
I was able to take my econ, fil and chem periodic tests.

Bad news:
I wasn't able to deliver my Econ presentation.

Good news:
I missed my math and bio periodic exam.

Bad news:
I missed my math and bio periodic exam.

Good news:
I got to rest.

Bad news:
I missed paskorus and a batch congress. And I wasn't able to watch Benjo's performance, or see him dressed up in black D:

Good news:
It's vacation yay!

Bad news:
I won't be able to see my friends until January. And since I missed giving Jasmine's present today, I can only give it to her in January. I'm going to miss everybody :(

Life sucks.

It's the thought that counts

This week has been epic hell for me. I woke up this morning to a horrible cough and a low-grade fever. Unfortunately for me, a low-grade fever is nothing compared to the hell I'll go through if I miss a periodic test.

I think this fever is a manifestation of the roller coaster of a ride my week has been so far.

Ugalino, our class genius and personally, one of my best friends, came back from Azerbaijan. Needless to say, his absence was caused a whole lot of alkdfjhakjhga that I'd rather not expound on. And his return has brought me unexpected glee.

I was also able to make one my best friends happy, albeit not as happy as I think he feels he is. (That didn't make any sense :P)

This week is blah and this post doesn't make sense.

I'm using this post as an excuse to bask in the wonderful greatness of the wonder that is my new laptop, lovingly bought for me in a dire time of need. My desktop had gone belly-up on me, if you must know.

At this point, I am blogging, not because I have free time, but because I have given up. I have given up, not because it is hopeless, but because I lack the capacity to study or even focus right now. I lack the capacity to focus right now, not because of distractions, although those might partially be the cause, but rather because of this raging fever that renders me coughing every ten seconds.

The dust and cold air doesn't help my condition either. I doubt, then, that another swig of Bernardo Carpio or Tandang Basyong Makunat will help me at all. If anything, it'll most likely aggravate my condition.

So I am leaving my tomorrow morning free to cram and my Econ and Chem periodic test to chance. Not to mention a pending Econ long test and a presentation which will be the deciding factor in my DL-ing-ness.

Don't worry, this post isn't supposed to be coherent. I shall blame it on my affliction. *coughcough*

Despite that all, as I have mentioned early on in my post, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends who love me and whom I treasure so dearly that I would rather get sick for than to leave them bored :P Let's hope my continued relations with them don't spread my disease :P It'll be like Korea and AH1N1. How fun.

The end of the week is two days away. By then I will have taken seven tests, given one presentation, submitted a comsci final project, a doomed math project and a lifesci storyboard. By the end of the month, I will have completed my Singapore Book Circle Preparations and booked my flight and by January I will have done all in my capacity to help my groups, both in STR and my elective.

I say this in a manner of WILL and not SHOULD HAVE to strengthen my conviction. So as I read back on this entry, my guilty soul will leave me helpless against the prying eyes of the past me who wrote this. Yes, I'm talking to you, future self. Go do your homework instead of wasting time typing senseless things like this for the minuscule reason that the keypad feels soft and nice under your tired feeble fingers.

I have said enough, and the tone of this entry is somewhat odd in its formality. I blame Les Miserables and Victor Hugo. Curse his literary prowess.

I shall bid you all goodbye and shoot my future self a look of contempt. Don't forget to do your homework >:(

Downward Spiral

I have a feeling

that the days leading down to my birthday

will be a countdown

to something that might have to end.

Looking at things now, it's nothing but a downward spiral.

Self Sabotage

People always say I'm a sadist, when in fact I am quite the opposite.

In the end only a few people really know how much of a figurative self-mutilator I am, and the ironic part about it is that those same people are the primary causes of my masochistic self-sabotage.

Day after day I set myself up only to get hurt once again. And when blows to relationships are concerned, although I know I don't have to, I always take the bullet.

It hurts when somebody tells you to stay away for the sake of saving a relationship, which ironically doesn't even involve you. And it hurts even more when the only way to stay away from that person you can think of is to isolate yourself and in a sense, hate that person.

I want people to stay happy so much, that I sacrifice my own happiness, and still I get the short end of the stick. I'm left with more self-loathing than I started off with, and I have nobody to console me about it to boot.

It's sad, because although I know there are other ways of going about it, the only way that seems to satisfy the problem of relationship preservation is severing one or the other.

I hate this.

Best friends don't do that. And although I'm deemed one of great stature, in the end, I'm just a bunch of refuse.

Thanks for throwing me away.

Hey there. It's been a long while since I've posted. I haven't actually been gone for a long while. For a few weeks after my last readable post, I continued to write blogposts, but never published them. I didn't feel the need to publish them.

And as the time passed, I stopped writing all together.

I guess I haven't been writing because for a certain time in my life, for the first time in my life, I didn't feel the need to. My life felt complete and satisfying. Had there been any downfalls within the day, there was always something to put it all back into perspective. Once, in my life, I was perfectly content just living life, not to document it, but to feel and experience it.

I guess the fact that I'm writing again is an indication that things aren't like that anymore. Over the past few weeks, I didn't feel the need to vent any strong suicidal feelings of any sort. If I had anything to vent, it was shallow. And you know something is shallow when I vent about it in the open.

Now, starting today specifically, things aren't so bearable.

Now, I feel, for the first time in my life, that there truly is nobody to vent to anymore. No suitable placebo for the certain insecurity I've been cultivating, but ignoring this whole time. For the first time in my life, I feel truly alone.

It didn't used to feel this way.

I had this small, tiny, minuscule semblance of stability. That no matter how crappy of sh*tty a day felt, I always had people to fall back on. And for once, I had felt needed. I had felt that I meant something to somebody and that somebody had meant something to me.

And now circumstances have arranged themselves in a way that fosters the complete opposite. The worst thing is, that it's all my fault.

Little actions I had thought would help me maintain my little bubble of security had actually started corroding it. And now, with the last catalyst leading to a flurry of reactions, in a blink of a second, I'm left with nothing.

It really is my fault for fostering something that cannot be benefited from. It made me feel like a better person. Like I had something to live for despite all the crap in my life. I guess I tried to make a purpose for myself, even though I know that I was an easy substitute and that I didn't really constitute much of a utility anyway.

Now the repercussions are enormous and I'm left with a huge gaping hole in my chest that I'm sure won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Ohwell. Maybe it'll pass.

Maybe some miracle will allow me to feel complete and human again. To actually feel like a good person.

Because right now all signs are pointing to hell, for a sacrifice I really shouldn't have given.