Hey there. It's been a long while since I've posted. I haven't actually been gone for a long while. For a few weeks after my last readable post, I continued to write blogposts, but never published them. I didn't feel the need to publish them.

And as the time passed, I stopped writing all together.

I guess I haven't been writing because for a certain time in my life, for the first time in my life, I didn't feel the need to. My life felt complete and satisfying. Had there been any downfalls within the day, there was always something to put it all back into perspective. Once, in my life, I was perfectly content just living life, not to document it, but to feel and experience it.

I guess the fact that I'm writing again is an indication that things aren't like that anymore. Over the past few weeks, I didn't feel the need to vent any strong suicidal feelings of any sort. If I had anything to vent, it was shallow. And you know something is shallow when I vent about it in the open.

Now, starting today specifically, things aren't so bearable.

Now, I feel, for the first time in my life, that there truly is nobody to vent to anymore. No suitable placebo for the certain insecurity I've been cultivating, but ignoring this whole time. For the first time in my life, I feel truly alone.

It didn't used to feel this way.

I had this small, tiny, minuscule semblance of stability. That no matter how crappy of sh*tty a day felt, I always had people to fall back on. And for once, I had felt needed. I had felt that I meant something to somebody and that somebody had meant something to me.

And now circumstances have arranged themselves in a way that fosters the complete opposite. The worst thing is, that it's all my fault.

Little actions I had thought would help me maintain my little bubble of security had actually started corroding it. And now, with the last catalyst leading to a flurry of reactions, in a blink of a second, I'm left with nothing.

It really is my fault for fostering something that cannot be benefited from. It made me feel like a better person. Like I had something to live for despite all the crap in my life. I guess I tried to make a purpose for myself, even though I know that I was an easy substitute and that I didn't really constitute much of a utility anyway.

Now the repercussions are enormous and I'm left with a huge gaping hole in my chest that I'm sure won't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Ohwell. Maybe it'll pass.

Maybe some miracle will allow me to feel complete and human again. To actually feel like a good person.

Because right now all signs are pointing to hell, for a sacrifice I really shouldn't have given.